Who is Running the Show? Why I Believe There Are No "Bad" Parts

Have you ever caught yourself saying something like, "A part of me really wants to set a boundary with my boss, but another part of me is absolutely terrified of getting fired"?

We use this kind of language every single day. We talk about feeling torn, having different sides to our personalities, and dealing with conflicting desires. We experience internal arguments that can leave us feeling completely exhausted before we even pour our first cup of coffee in the morning. Traditional self-help books might label this as self-sabotage. They might tell you to push past the fear, ignore the doubt, and force yourself into action.

I take a very different approach. As a Licensed Professional Counselor and Clinical Substance Abuse Counselor, I do not believe you are sabotaging yourself. I believe your mind is doing exactly what it was designed to do to keep you safe.

In my Milwaukee based practice, I specialize in a transformative model of therapy called Internal Family Systems, or IFS. The core philosophy of IFS is beautifully simple but completely life-changing. It proposes that our minds are naturally multiple. We are not just one singular, solid personality. Instead, our minds are made up of a complex system of different "parts," much like members of a family living under the same roof.

Sometimes this internal family gets along perfectly. Other times, they are locked in a bitter feud at the dinner table. My goal as your therapist is not to kick anyone out of the house. My goal is to help you understand them.

Moving Away from the "Broken" Model

For a long time, the traditional medical model of mental health has focused on finding out what is wrong with you and trying to fix it. If you have anxiety, the goal is to eradicate the anxiety. If you have a harsh inner critic, the goal is to silence it.

I am not a traditional, sit-back-and-nod kind of therapist. I do not view my clients as broken things that need to be fixed. I view them as whole, resilient human beings who have developed highly effective protective strategies to survive in a difficult world. In IFS, we operate on the radical assumption that there are no bad parts. Every single voice in your head originally formed to protect you from getting hurt. Yes, even the voices that cause you pain or frustration today.

To understand how this works, we have to look at the cast of characters operating behind the scenes. In the IFS model, our internal family is generally divided into three main roles.

The Managers: Your Internal Clipboard Holders

The Managers are the proactive, hardworking parts of your system. They are the ones walking around with a clipboard. Their entire job is trying to keep you safe, acceptable, and in control of your environment.

Your Managers might show up as the perfectionist who demands you work sixty hours a week. They might take the form of an inner critic who harshly judges your appearance so that nobody else can judge you first. They are the planners, the caretakers, and the worry-warts. They believe that if they just manage your life perfectly, you will never have to feel the sting of rejection or failure. They do an incredible amount of heavy lifting, but they are often deeply exhausted.

The Firefighters: The Emergency Responders

While Managers try to prevent fires from starting, Firefighters are the parts that react wildly when a fire actually breaks out. When you experience a sudden wave of emotional pain, shame, or vulnerability, the Firefighters rush in with sirens blaring. Their goal is to extinguish the feeling as fast as possible.

Firefighters do not care about the long-term consequences of their actions. They only care about immediate relief. In my work as a substance abuse counselor, I see Firefighters all the time. They often look like impulsive behaviors. They might drive you to drink, engage in compulsive shopping, binge-watch television to numb out, or unleash a sudden explosion of anger to push people away. Because their methods are often destructive, society tends to shame these parts. But in IFS, we recognize that they are just desperate protectors trying to save you from drowning in emotional pain.

The Exiles: The Wounded Ones

Both the Managers and the Firefighters are working overtime for one specific reason. They are trying to protect the Exiles.

Exiles are the young, vulnerable parts of ourselves that carry the heavy burdens of our past. They hold the memories of childhood trauma, the sting of being bullied, the heartbreak of neglect, or the deep-seated fear that we are fundamentally unlovable. We lock these parts away in the basement of our minds because the pain they carry is simply too overwhelming to feel on a daily basis.

The Core of It All: The Self

If all of these parts are running the show, who are you?

Underneath the exhausted Managers, the chaotic Firefighters, and the hidden Exiles, there is a core to your being. In IFS, we call this the Self. The Self is not a part. It is the true, unbroken essence of who you are. You know you are operating from your Self when you feel grounded, calm, curious, and compassionate.

Whether we meet in my Elm Grove office or virtually across Wisconsin, when people come to therapy, their parts have usually completely taken over the driver's seat of their lives. They feel stuck, overwhelmed, and disconnected. My job is to help you step back into that driver's seat.

Therapy with Compassionate Challenge

This process requires rolling up our sleeves and getting curious. We do not shame the Firefighter for drinking, and we do not yell at the inner critic to shut up. Instead, we approach them with the exact same compassion we would offer a frightened friend. We ask them what they are afraid would happen if they stopped doing their jobs.

This is where my spunky, creative approach comes into the room. Healing does not have to be a sterile, clinical experience. I bring my whole, authentic self to our sessions. Since I am a lifelong doodler and photographer, we might use art or drawing to help visualize what a certain part looks like. Sometimes we use humor to gently call in a Manager who is being a little too bossy.

I believe in challenging my clients lovingly and respectfully. I will not just sit back quietly while your protective parts run circles around you. We will gently ask those protectors to step aside so we can actually heal the root of the pain. When we do this work, your parts realize they do not have to work so hard anymore. They can lay down their weapons, drop the clipboard, and allow your true Self to lead the way.

If you are tired of fighting an internal war and want to start befriending your mind, I would love to connect with you. Click HERE to schedule your consultation and let's see if my spunky approach to IFS is the right fit for your journey.